


defense mechanism

by lunacrowne



Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: AUpril, Anxiety Attacks, Denial, Doctor/Patient, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kinks, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Smut, Spanking, deep discussion of the psyche, mental health clinics, patient!Youngjae, psychologist!Daehyun, slight SunDae, slight dangerous method references, strange domesticity, strange existential questions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-03-21 06:25:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3681399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunacrowne/pseuds/lunacrowne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Almond eyes cast downwards and eyelashes fluttering at his cheeks, he resumes his habit of biting his nails, suckling each of his own fingers as he does so. It was not in a neurotic fashion as before when he was first brought into the psychologist’s office—it was strangely more alluring now.</p><p>Those same eyes now look up at him expectantly, a low voice stating their proposal.</p><p>“Dr. Jung, I want you to punish me.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Liaison (Repression)

**Author's Note:**

> **defense mechanism**
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> 1\. Psychology. an unconscious process, as denial, that protects an individual from unacceptable or painful ideas or impulses.

Daehyun flips through the paperwork provided for him on his new patient as he strides through the clinic hallway, dress shoes clacking against the white tiled flooring.

Yoo Youngjae, aged twenty-three, newly admitted yesterday experiencing a panic attack that had left him thrashing about uncontrollably and nearly requiring physical restraints, Nurse Hyosung had stated.

Daehyun knocks gently at the door before going into his office.

The young man huddled on the leather couch across from his desk is clad in a standard white shirt and trousers, only acknowledging Daehyun’s presence with his eyes as he abrasively chews at his nails. The man looks no older than twenty with his soft features, only broad shoulders indicating he was matured. At least he seemed stabilized, which was a good sign.

Daehyun takes a deep breath and flashes a smile at his new patient, easing off his jacket and settling in his desk chair.

“Hello Youngjae, I’m Dr. Jung.”

The addressed young man looks at him, wordlessly shifting slightly in his seat.

“I believe this our first time meeting with each other. For today, I was hoping to get us started with some basic questions,” Daehyun speaks, eyes trained on the man. “Before we start, I want you to know you don’t have to be nervous around me. It’s all confidential. Anything extra you think of can help us come to the correct diagnosis and help you, so don’t hold back, alright?”

Youngjae nods reluctantly, dark locks of hair dusting over his eyes. Daehyun takes it as a sign to begin.

“What do you think brought about your panic attack, Youngjae?”

“I’m not really sure,” The patient whispers around his index finger, “I’ve never had one before, you know, yesterday.”

“Was there anything, you think, that could’ve cause negative emotions? Something in your day?”

There’s a long pause, and Youngjae’s brows furrow. “I broke it off with my girlfriend, Eunji.”

“Eunji?”

“We were together since highschool. She goes to a different university. I loved Eunji, really, a lot—still do. But it’s a family kind of love, not the kind that she wanted. I had to force myself to kiss her,” At that sentence Youngjae, coils further into the couch.

“It’s okay, Youngjae. Take your time,” Daehyun reassures, and Youngjae continues.

“You’re supposed to kiss people you love, right? I…I just felt nauseated whenever I had to, and…I couldn’t ever bring myself have sex with her. It felt…wrong, and I… couldn’t get hard no matter what,” Youngjae finishes, expression downcast.

“Is there anything from your childhood, perhaps, trauma, that comes to mind?” Daehyun asks carefully, adjusting his clipboard when his jacket slips off the ledge of his chair from the movement, making the patient jump.

“Excuse me for a moment,”

He picks up the jacket and carefully dusts it off with soft pats to the fabric.

“P-please stop that…” Youngjae insists, voice urgent.

Daehyun stops the motion, puzzled at the reaction, but nevertheless quickly sets the jacket back securely.

  
“I’m sorry. Now…”

For the next fifteen minutes Daehyun continues asking Youngjae about his family history, when he notices the man seemed to be having difficulty in answering his questions, cheeks dusting a light shade of pink.

“Youngjae, are you feeling alright? Let me call for the nurse—” The psychologist is alerted, afraid for another onset of a panic attack.

“No, please don’t do that,”

Daehyun trails his eyes downwards towards the direction of Youngjae’s shifting, and he clears his throat a little in embarrassment when he sees a tent straining in the patient’s slacks.

“Oh, um, would you like to go to the bathroom to take care of…?”

“I-I can’t. People will see me,” Youngjae shifts even more frantically.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. It’s a common thing,” Daehyun tries, handing Youngjae a box of tissues. “I’ll step outside for a moment, okay?”

The patient blushes, taking the tissues. Daehyun turns around and steps outside, glad the air is less stuffy. He stares down the pristine white hallway for a couple long minutes, but Youngjae still doesn’t appear.

“Youngjae? Are you okay?” When there’s no response, Daehyun knocks lightly before opening the door.

  
He nearly reels at the sight before him, the half-naked young man splayed on the couch, fisting his member at a violent pace while fingering himself, head thrown back and biting his lips.  
  
However, Youngjae’s face is contorted with one of discomfort, not pleasure.  


"I-I’m sorry Dr. Jung, but I j-just can’t come,” Youngjae grits through clenched teeth, face a furious shade of red as he glances at Daehyun with dewy eyes.

Daehyun thinks it’s almost too much of a vision to handle, but he pushes such thoughts to the back of his mind and focuses his gaze on the wall behind Youngjae instead, at a portrait of colorful foliage.

“There’s nobody outside, I’ll take you to the bathroom,” he says, helping his patient up when Youngjae shudders at his touch and comes onto the upholstery.

  
\---  


Daehyun’s sitting in his colleague Dr. Bang Yongguk’s office, doing paperwork and discussing things over lunch like usual, with Yongguk eating from a well prepared bento his wife Jieun had made him while Daehyun picks at the convenience store lunch in front of him.

“By the way, Jieun and I are hosting a gala dinner for our charity fundraiser. Jieun’s been fussing over it a lot. It’s two weeks from now. I know we’re both busy, but think about if you want to attend? We’d love to have you there,”

Daehyun swallows a bite of cold sushi and looks up at the psychiatrist.

“I’ll see about my paperwork, first. I’ll definitely consider it though. I know how much the charity means to you both.”

“I’ve always had faith you’d carry on my legacy at this institution, I’m getting old after all.” Yongguk laughs wistfully. “You seem pretty tense. New patient giving you a hard time?”

“Something like that,” Daehyun tries conceal the heat rising in his cheeks as he recalls the images of his patient, straining against the couch.

“It’s great that you care so much about your patients, Daehyun, but remember you can only empathize, not sympathize too much, or it’ll drive you crazy,” Yongguk gives a well-meaning smile as he slides a piece of beef cutlet into Daehyun’s disposable tray . “But you’re still relatively young, don’t overwork yourself, now.”

“I won’t,” Daehyun promises. “Now, can I ask what are your thoughts on latent homosexuality?”

  
\---  


“It seems that Patient Yoo has really improved since he’s started treatment with you, Doctor,”

Nurse Hyosung comments brightly as she sets empty lunch trays on the side of the counter. “He isn’t scared away by me anymore; he’s actually willing to talk. He’s a cute boy, isn’t he? Very well read too.”

“Yes, he’s been reacting positively to treatment,” Daehyun murmurs in agreement as he files through the paperwork on the counter, preparing for another afternoon session with said patient.

Despite the happenings at their first meeting, Daehyun finds himself gaining more insight on how Youngjae’s gritty family history affected his attacks and sexuality, and pursuing a genuine concern in the wellbeing of the young man. In his duration at the clinic Youngjae is gradually opening up to him at his prompting, and Daehyun is astounded at the progress they’re making.

“I’ve had dreams where I would be spanked—when I was little my parents would sometimes punish my brother and I.”

“Did you touch yourself often, fantasizing about somebody doing something like this to you?” Daehyun asks, gauging Youngjae’s response.

“I would be sore after a beating, and I would cry. But then I felt lonely, and I would slap myself where it would sting and…I _enjoyed_ the feeling,” Youngjae says, looking ashamed.

“There’s more to it, isn’t there?” Daehyun probes, and Youngjae’s expression darkens. 

“I…started putting my fingers… _down there_ while I did that.” Youngjae blurts. “I would fantasize about a man, other than my father, doing those things with me, hitting me where I wanted him to, and…and I would come without touching myself.”

“God, I’m so messed up.” Self-loathing was evident in Youngjae’s eyes as he digs his hands into the delicate contours of his face. “No matter how many women my father and brother forced me to meet before Eunji, I could never imagine myself with them.”

“Youngjae, nothing is wrong with you. Your sexual preference is not something that someone else can determine for you.” Daehyun sets his pen down and faces the patient earnestly before confessing, “I’m bisexual, and have been attracted to men before. I used to have a lot of insecurities as well, until I accepted my feelings. It’s not easy, but I want you to know that it _does_ get better,”

Daehyun mentally kicks himself for divulging irrelevant, personal information to his patient on a whim, but when the pain in Youngjae’s surprised eyes softens, he feels glad that he did so.

“I was going to request a prescription for your anxiety, but I don’t think it’s necessary for you. You’re smart, Youngjae, you won’t need it.”

“Thank you, Dr. Jung,” The corners of Youngjae’s mouth quirk up into a smile, and Daehyun finds it rather mesmerizing.

  
\---

People always seem to be surprised he was a psychologist instead of some actor, singer, or idol. He hated people sizing him up for what he liked to do, but that meant he could think about what lied deep in their subconscious to bring up such a fact. Mostly it was jealously, dissatisfaction with their own lives that they wanted to project onto someone else.

Daehyun had spent a good portion of his youth socially, perhaps even sexually, active and he had never really expected himself to bury his nose into books and work his way up into becoming a young psychologist. Honestly, he supposes he was good at solving other’s problems, only because he never considered answering his own.

Daehyun unlocks the door to his empty condo with a small bag of junk food in tow, dropping his keys on the bare dining table.

“Damchu,” He cooes at the lone goldfish swimming in the unnecessarily large fish tank near his desk, plopping a generous heap of fish food into the tank before reclining in his chair and reveling in butter corn chips.

  
Soon the whirring of the fish tank’s motor is a little too loud for his liking in the silence of the condo, and Daehyun finds himself picking up paperwork again,writing out his thoughts.  


“The patient seems to have trauma of neglect and abuse in his childhood. The repression of his sexual orientation, reinforced with homophobic slurs and forcibly presenting him with females in these times of humiliation cause insecurity with his masculinity and sexual expression…”

  
\---  


Youngjae’s family refuses to prolong his stay, convinced that his panic attack was a one-time fluke and that the young man doesn’t need treatment. Daehyun is reluctant, but since monitoring him for a couple weeks and having his condition proven stable, Daehyun decides it’s alright to discharge Youngjae from the clinic. Youngjae’s still required to keep up his visits with Daehyun to prevent future symptoms from reappearing, but he can’t help but be worried.

“I know, Doctor, usually it’s the other way around,” Hyosung frowns as she continues. “But in the end, the insurance talks,”

“I suppose it does,” Daehyun looks at Youngjae’s files in his hands. 

  
\---  


Daehyun feels lost in the multitude of people at the gala, and he somewhat regrets agreeing to attend. It is equally hard to track down Yongguk or Jieun amongst the chatter and mundane questions about his field. After a third circulation through the hors d’oeuvres, Daehyun gives up and leaves the gala, hoping Yongguk would understand.

It’s late and he finds himself walking towards the direction of the clinic, hoping to pick up some paperwork he left back in the office. Being a long-term workaholic had its drawbacks, he supposes, when he spots a shadow near the clinic.

“Youngjae? What are you doing here?”

Daehyun walks quickly up to the bundled figure leaning against outside the clinic, face backlit from the lights within.

“Dr. Jung,” Youngjae looks up at him, lips parted red in the cold.

“Youngjae, shouldn’t you be resting at home? It’s too cold to be out here.” 

“I can’t go back to my apartment, back to school,”

“Why is that?”

“I-I can’t face Junhong, my flatmate. How am I supposed to tell him where I’ve been? But then again, maybe he already knows…” Youngjae blubbers, burying his face into the collar of his letterman jacket. 

“You can’t stay here, Youngjae. You’ll freeze,” The psychologist stoops down, briefcase clattering slightly against the asphalt.

Before Youngjae can reply, the sound of stomachs growling breaks the silence, and they both can’t help but laugh. Against his better judgement, Daehyun pulls Youngjae up to his feet.

“Come on— let’s go eat, shall we?”

  
\---  


To his luck, none of the restaurants nearby, except for the bars, are open at this hour, save for the convenience store by Daehyun’s condo, and even then Daehyun has to jam his foot through the sliding doors as its closing to secure ingredients for a simple meal of pasta.

“I hope you don’t mind the clutter, it’s just me around here,” Daehyun apologizes as he doles out warm pasta onto plates for them both.

“I’m really sorry, Dr. Jung, for the trouble, you’re too kind,” Youngjae blushes in thanks as he takes a forkful of the pasta, and Daehyun can’t help but notice the sensuality of the way Youngjae moans in approval, pasta strands disappearing into his small mouth.

“It’s really no problem. You can stay here for the night, but tomorrow we have to see to it that you go back to your university, regardless of the circumstances.”

“I’m suffering from repression, right?”Youngjae has an unreadable expression on his face. “Is it possible for you to still help me with my symptoms?”

“Of course I’ll help you. Your symptoms have stabilized, but we’ll continue to work on easing your anxiety.” Daehyun thinks for a moment. “I’m not supposed to do this, but I’d like to work out something where you can continue your treatment at the clinic, perhaps by doing research with me. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, Youngjae. But ultimately it’s your choice. We can get through this together,”

Youngjae all of a sudden gets very quiet, and Daehyun stops to steal a glance.

Almond eyes cast downwards and eyelashes fluttering at his cheeks, Youngjae resumes his habit of biting his nails, suckling each of his own fingers as he does so. It was not in a neurotic fashion as before when he was first brought into the psychologist’s office—it was strangely more alluring now.

  
Those same eyes now look up at him expectantly, a low voice stating their proposal.  


“Dr. Jung, I want you to punish me.”

“I’m sorry?” Daehyun swallows thickly, too entranced by the motions of the younger to process his words.

“I want to be very forward with you. From what you’ve told me, and from what I’ve concluded from my symptoms, I just need to turn my past trauma into a pleasurable one. And I realized that can do that with your help,” The insinuation of the lingering finger in Youngjae’s mouth makes a realization dawn on Daehyun, remembering the events of the first visit.

Daehyun had had plenty of patients in the past, male and female, that would ask him out, attempt to hook up, or initiate sexual relations. He turned them down obviously, and never crossed the line. He was a doctor, after all, and they were his patients. He could only offer them help on a professional level, and within his office.

Youngjae was crossing a line he had drawn and strangely he found himself giving in to the temptation.

“No, I can’t, Youngjae. I’m going to help you, I swear, but not like this. You’re my patient, I’m your psychologist.” 

  
Daehyun backs away from the table, setting Youngjae a safe distance away from him. He’s trying to draw a rudimentary line in the sand but the wave that comes in the form of the slender male in front of him threatens to wash it away.  


“I’m not your patient after-hours, I’m not your patient now,” the younger insists, head lowered.

“We can’t do this, I could lose my job, integrity—this is taboo.”

Daehyun braces himself for an angry display, like how one female patient in the past clamoring for his affection accused him of not caring about her when he tried to refuse her advances, with a wrath that left tables overturned.

  
Youngjae only looks up at him.  


“Is that what you’re really concerned about?”

The question takes Daehyun aback and plush lips are clumsily enveloping his own. And as logic has it, he finds himself matching the movement, crushing his lips against Youngjae’s in fervor.

  
\---  


Daehyun couldn’t deny that Youngjae’s touches fueled a desire scorching within him, and he also couldn’t deny that he enjoyed indulging in his own touches across the expanse of the other’s skin, though such passionate motions capable of shedding clothes were supposed to be reserved for someone other than his patient, who is now lying naked on his own bed.

“Please, _touch me_ ,” Youngjae pants, bucking his hips up into Daehyun’s palms.

It’s been a long time since the psychologist has used the contents of the bottle on his nightstand, but he uncaps it and drizzles the cool lubricant onto his fingers and Youngjae’s warm skin, to which the younger man shivers. He wraps a wet hand around the shaft, making slow strokes, relishing the soft sounds of pleasure emitted from his ministrations.

He simultaneously treads his fingers down to the puckered hole, slowly inserting scissoring fingers until Youngjae is lost in pleasure.

“Wait,” Youngjae says, and Daehyun stops his movements.

“I want you to spank me,” Daehyun’s eyes widen at the request.

“I don’t want to hurt you,”

“You won’t. _Please_ ,” Youngjae grasps onto Daehyun’s hand, shifting his backside against his palm. “I need this.”

A sound slap resonates through the room and Daehyun winces, feeling as if the echo has carried on beyond the walls of his bedroom, where everyone outside can hear.

The thought vanishes from his mind as soon as Youngjae lets out a sound moan of pleasure.

“Yes, _more_ …”

Youngjae moans into the bedspread and tugs onto the sheets with whitened knuckles at every strike of Daehyun’s hand on his firm buttocks. With the reddening of his skin his erection seemed to grow.

At the fifth strike heart-shaped lips part with a particularly throaty moan and lidded eyes make Daehyun’s own erection strain in his pants.

Honestly he didn’t think it would be this kinky.

The flesh of the younger’s backside is now pulsing hot to the touch, and Daehyun gingerly smooths a hand over the skin, unsure of what to do next without hurting the other.

“Dr. Jung… _Daehyun_ , I want _you_ …” Youngjae’s voice trembles, and Daehyun immediately reaches for a condom from his bedside drawer.

Daehyun slicks lube up his length and positions himself at the entrance, finding purchase with hands on both of Youngjae’s slim thighs, slowly pushing past rings of tight muscle. The lube wells up at the base and flows freely down the side of his cock when he pushes all the way to the hilt. 

“Youngjae…” Daehyun breathes, shallow breaths intermingling with those of the man underneath him. “Are you alright?”

There’s a small noise and Daehyun feels impatient hands covering his own, urging him to move. With a sharp intake of breath he thrusts hard into Youngjae’s tight heat, building a rougher pace he doesn’t intend on having, the force shaking the bed and sending Youngjae keening into the pillows, moans muffled.

“More, punish me more, I’ve been a bad boy,” Daehyun thinks Youngjae croaks out amidst clawing at the blankets for leverage.

He feels Youngjae’s walls constrict violently against his member and he pistons his hips faster into him, rivulets of sweat causing their bodies to glide easily and raw against each other.

“Agh!...” Youngjae chokes down a cry and comes hard onto the sheets, with Daehyun following suit into the condom.

It’s a moment until they both catch their breath and Daehyun rolls off of the spent form of the other, savoring more than he should the way Youngjae closes his eyes, mouthing gasps against the pillow. He gently tugs at the pillow in Youngjae’s vice grip, and then the younger opens his eyes to look at Daehyun with wonder.

For a while they gaze at each other, and for once Daehyun is unsure of what to say.

“I’ve always wanted to become a singer,” Youngjae muses, a soft sigh leaving his lips as Daehyun wipes off the mess on his chest. “But I’ll never be one. Not with this…condition. You never know if the tabloids would get their hands on my patient history. I can’t be that chaebol my father wanted me to be, either. I like men, he’ll never live it down. And is never living down, as I speak.”

“You like to sing too?” 

“I do it in my spare time. I like Musiq Soulchild.” He smiles slyly, as if remembering something grand.

“R&B? It fits you, actually,” Daehyun hums, and he feels Youngjae’s smooth legs tangling with his own, tensing slightly at the feeling.

“I hope you don’t think of me any less, Dr. Jung.” Youngjae says, noticing. “I probably seem—loose—but you were my first. And I have thought about this and I don’t want you to see it as something you’ll regret, because you’re _helping_ me.”

Daehyun can’t say anything, but he doesn’t get a chance to anyway because Youngjae’s sweat-matted forehead falls against him instantly, followed by a soft snore.

The sound of Youngjae’s quiet breathing seems to fill the apartment apart from the electric burbling of his fish tank, and a smile of strange content spreads across the psychologist’s features as he pulls up the covers over them.

For a moment Daehyun puts aside the fact just _who_ he was laying under the covers with.


	2. Displacement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Freudian psychology, **displacement** (German: Verschiebung, "shift, move") is an unconscious defense mechanism whereby the mind substitutes either a new aim or a new object for goals felt in their original form to be dangerous or unacceptable.

“I’m thinking about taking on an assistant to help with the extent of my research. I’ve…been considering someone for the job,” 

Daehyun states slowly to Yongguk from his place at the table, slipping his colleague the documents that have been endlessly shuffled in his grasp during the duration of their lunch.

“Yoo Youngjae.Your former patient,” Yongguk raises his brow skeptically as he scans the paperwork. “He has impressive academics. But why him?”

“I don’t get many patients that are truly self-aware of their own symptoms. He has potential, and since he’s studying medicine at his university, some experience in the field would help him, give him a test run. He’d only be present at my sessions under my supervision and patient consent, of course.”

“I’m not so sure about this, Daehyun. It’s…highly discouraged. I know you may mean well, but you’ve only discharged him last month. He’s practically _prone_ to bias. You’re taking a risk here, you know.”

“I know. And I’ll take full responsibility for this. I’d hoped that you would give him a chance too.”

“You’ve always been a little more radical with your ideas, Daehyun, and sometimes I'm not sure if it's a good thing. But if he has a gift like you say, his status can be overlooked. After all, it’s not as if you’re having one of those clandestine, taboo affairs we see on TV all the time, right?” Yongguk chuckles lightly, and Daehyun shifts in his seat. “I trust your judgement.”

Daehyun nods, giving a small smile. “That's good to hear, Yongguk.”

“Oh, look at the time. I hate to go, but I’ll be taking my leave early today.”

There’s a twinkle in the elder psychiatrist’s eye as he throws his coat over his shoulders. “It’s a secret, and I’m only telling you this for now, but Jieun and I have successfully filed for adoption. I hope I can trust you on that? Even if Hyosung asks?”

“Definitely. Congratulations,”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Daehyun. Watch the clinic for me, will you?”

“To think that I’ll finally get to be a father at forty...” Daehyun hears Yongguk muse heartily to himself as he slips out of the office. When the door clicks shut, Daehyun breathes a small sigh of relief, collecting the stack of files left on the table.

  
\---

As Daehyun leaves for the day, Nurse Hyosung does question him about Yongguk’s whereabouts on his way out from reception. Successfully evading her, Daehyun is surprised to find a familiar figure in a hoodie sitting on the brick hedge outside the clinic. The young man has a denim leg tucked close to his chest while the other dangles, absorbed in reading from a dog-eared textbook.

Daehyun approaches, craning his neck slightly over the man’s head to look at the cover. “What have you got there?”

Almond eyes curve up to meet his gaze. “ _Destruction as the Cause of Coming Into Being_ , by Sabina Spielrein. Have you read it before?” 

Daehyun shakes his head. “I’ve heard some things about that work, but never got around to it myself. How are you, Youngjae?”

“It turns out I’m ahead units-wise at university, so I decided to branch out my previous pre-med track towards primary care psychology. But if you were asking about outside of school, fine, I guess.”

"What's your definition of 'fine'?"

Youngjae's slender fingers close the book abruptly. “I told Junhong today —probably not in a particularly well- executed way—about me being… gay and all,”

The rays of the setting sun make Daehyun squint and he frowns at how Youngjae’s biting his nails again.

“What did he say?” 

“He told me he wanted some space for a while, to process. I’m giving him time. I don’t think he’s disgusted by me, but he’s probably got the wrong idea, that, you know, makes him second guess his living arrangements with me for the past two years…”

Youngjae’s voice trails off, and he gnaws on his trembling lips slightly. Daehyun’s afraid his persistence will make them overly raw in the dry, cold air.

“He’ll come around eventually.” Daehyun reassures. “The process takes a while for some.”

“I know. It’s just, Junhong’s been like a brother to me.”

“In any case, I thought you’d want to know that you can start next week, here.” 

At the words, Youngjae brightens. 

“Really? That’s...thank you for the opportunity, Dr. Jung.”

“Don’t thank me just yet. I hope you don’t plan on staying here, like the last time,”

Youngjae looks caught at the psychologist's words, floundering a bit before a simpering smile graces his lips. “You won’t let me stay here, will you?”

“Gather your things,” Daehyun says softly. "Let's hurry while the restaurants are still open."

  
\---

Daehyun tells himself Youngjae is simply a novel stimulus breaking into his overly habituated, dull lifestyle. As a single man approaching thirty it was inevitable for him to have some doubts of being old and undesirable, and of course despite possessing a clear mind, his body would react to Youngjae’s sooner or later down the line.

It doesn’t suffice to excuse how Daehyun spends an exorbitant amount of time admiring how pliable Youngjae’s body is underneath him though, and Daehyun thinks he has long lost all notions of mental clarity.

  


Youngjae’s cheeks are flushing pink from the exertion, and his shallow breaths begin to fog up the glass of the standing mirror near Daehyun’s bed as he presses his face closer, hands clinging tighter around the bedpost in an attempt to anchor himself.

His breath is fogging up the mirror slightly, fingers clawing through the condensation created on the cool glass as he watches his amourous reactions to every strike Daehyun’s palms bring down onto his supple skin.

When red tints the flesh of Youngjae's backside Daehyun removes his palm, instead supporting Youngjae’s head and threading his fingers through the other's dark locks as he repeats the dialogue Youngjae had asked of him.

“Look at yourself, what do you see?”

“I see a really... _really_ bad boy,” Youngjae pants, arching his back for access as Daehyun pushes fully inside him. “I deserve to be punished.”

"But you've been a good boy just now, haven't you?" Daehyun's breathy against Youngjae's shoulder, adjusting himself to the flurry of sensations mounting through his body.

"No," Youngjae grits through his teeth. "I _need_ to be punished." 

The other's groans and the slick sounds of lube against skin are encouragement for Daehyun to press forward, building a pace as they rock against the bedframe.

“Then I’ll show you how sorry you should be,” Daehyun growls as he tightens his hold on Youngjae’s hips and ruts against his prostate ruthlessly. He looks into the mirror, to see himself connected to a beautifully raw and quivering Youngjae and the psychologist loses himself, coming hard into the condom as Youngjae's body grows taut against his, signalling release with a wordless gasp before collapsing onto the bed.

  
  


When the high dissipates, Daehyun gingerly cleans them both up, making sure Youngjae isn't uncomfortable. Youngjae always starts talking afterwards, and Daehyun listens. He's hesitant to touch Youngjae, really, and Youngjae lies limp against the pillows, chest heaving slightly as he turns his head to face Daehyun, hand tracing through his mussed hair.

It’s the smile without worries, pure satisfaction from a spent body, that Daehyun finds most reassuring out of the whole sexual act, and he finds the word “treatment” distasteful on his tongue but “affection” even more crude for justifying what he was doing with Youngjae.

  


“What's it like for you when you have sex with somebody? Your past girlfriends or boyfriends?” Youngjae asks after a while, breaking the silence and Daehyun's thoughts. 

Daehyun's taken aback, but replies honestly. “Vanilla, I suppose. Tender, maybe. It’s been a long time for me to remember,” 

“What’s it like for you when you have sex with me, Dr. Jung?”

“It’s…definitely more rough, with abandon.” Daehyun feels himself flushing a little at the intensity of Youngjae's probing.

“I can feel that there's a restraint in you, somehow. You may have held back with others, but I don’t want you to hold back with me,” There's a hint of something in Youngjae's voice that Daehyun can't recognize.

“You won't hurt me,” Youngjae whispers with lidded eyes as he closes the distance between them to pull their hips together, eager for a continuation. “You know I can't have it any other way.” 

Daehyun grows lightheaded at the feeling, and lets himself give in to the young man once more.

  
\---

Smoothing down the fabric of his dress shirt, Daehyun enters the outpatient waiting room, calling for his latest patient.

"Im Jaebum?"

A rather tall man with brooding eyes stands up in acknowledgment, and Daehyun musters a smile.

"Hello, Jaebum, I'm Dr. Jung. Please follow me," He leads Jaebum down the corridor to his office, where Youngjae, clad in a dark shirt and tie, holds open the door for them both, dipping his head in a polite bow as Daehyun finishes explanations.

"Jaebum, this is Youngjae. He'll be sitting in with us for today. I appreciate that you've given consent to allow your session to be recorded, but you may request for us to stop at anytime or for the session to be private,"

The addressed man shrugs before settling in his designated chair. "It's fine, you can start now." Jaebum eyes Youngjae continuously and Daehyun tries focusing on the paperwork in front of him instead of the boring gaze sent his assistant's way.

"Jaebum, have you always considered yourself as having a 'temper'?"

  
\---  


“Do you think that the greatest things are born from destruction, say taboo?” Daehyun asks as he thumbs through pages a of copy of the text Youngjae was reading.

“Perhaps, but if man succumbed to every unregulated desire, where would our society be? This is why Spielrein’s work, though novel, cannot be applied." Yongguk responds sagely over a midday coffee. "I hope you don't embrace that mindset,"

“Society constrains many to the point they crumble,” Daehyun presses.

"And it is our job to help treat ones when they're on the verge. There' s a reason why we are governed by rules." 

"Speaking of job, its about time I go prepare for my next appointment. I'd better fetch Youngjae soon,"

"Youngjae, huh? He seems to be popular talk amongst Hyosung and the other nurses.”

Daehyun nods in affirmation. For the past few weeks they have been working on Im Jaebum's issues of aggression together, and ever since Yongguk has laid eyes on Youngjae's work ethic, the older has relented on his judgement of the young man, viewing him now with a more accepting undertone than one of predominant suspicion.

“They’ve only been seeing us oldies for the longest time, after all." Daehyun contemplates with a laugh.

"I won't keep you two from your pioneering then. Oh," Yongguk fetches a bunny-shaped invitation affectionately from his desk drawer. "Daehyun, Jieun and I would like for Jongup to feel formally welcomed, so we're hosting a little something for him this weekend. I'm not sure if young people these days might be interested, but could you pass it along to Youngjae as well? I'd appreciate it if you two could come, "

"Of course," Daehyun pockets the card before going to meet with Youngjae.

  


“Youngjae, what do you presume?”

“I noticed the patient’s agitation is greater when it comes to mentions of his work,” Youngjae says as he reviews the notes spread out on the table. "I'm hypothesizing his aggression has to do with something, someone at the workplace maybe."

"Good work, go on..." Daehyun finds it endearing how Youngjae's forehead scrunches up in thought, fingers rapidly shuffling through the spreadsheets. " I'm also guessing symptoms of displacement--he contains his anger at work, but goes home and wrecks havoc on his pets and objects. But we don't know the extent of his relationships, so..."

"That's a very good analysis," Youngjae beams modestly and Daehyun stares at him for a moment before feeling the card in his pocket.

"Youngjae, are you free this weekend?" He asks inquisitive eyes.

  
\---

Yongguk’s adopted son Jongup is a shy and sweet little boy of around five, who hesitantly blows out the candles of his welcome cake only after the gentle coaxing of Yongguk. Once he does, he is blessed with a plethora of Tiggers and warm wishes and hugs from his new parents. 

After the initiation, Jongup goes to play with the kids of the small group of partygoers, and the parents end up socializing with each other.

Daehyun is truly happy for the older psychiatrist and his family as he watches the scenes unfold before him, and he remembers back in the earlier days of his youth he had always harped on and on about wanting as many children as he could to anyone who’d listen. He still fancies the idea of children but perhaps his desires have just gotten a bit more realistic, and maybe reserved since he’s gotten older.

The thought makes him sentimental, and even slightly out of place as he polishes off forkfuls of chocolate cake with a wistful smile. Adoption could still be considered in his future.

“ _Oppa_ , I’m so sorry!”

Daehyun’s attention is shifted towards the sounds from his left, and he turns to see a startled Youngjae with a dollop of ice cream on his navy sweater and a little girl apologizing profusely to him with tears in her eyes.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay, it’s nothing to be sad about. _Oppa_ doesn’t want you to cry, now.” Youngjae’s eyes meet Daehyun’s and his face turns a little red, but he nevertheless resumes comforting the girl determinedly and the psychologist suppresses a good-natured laugh.

“Hana, sweetie,” A slim middle aged woman runs over and scoops up the teary girl, saving the situation before Daehyun does. "Weren't you playing with Jongup and the others? Oh--I'm so sorry if Hana ruined your sweater,"

Youngjae shakes his head vigourously. "No, it's fine, ice cream can be washed off. It's only a small mishap."

"I've got a napkin here," Daehyun chimes in, setting his cake down.

"I'm so very sorry, Hana, let's thank the two nice men, okay? And you two are...?"

"I'm Youngjae, and this is Dr. Jung Daehyun." Youngjae smiles while dabbing at the pooling vanilla, shifting the stain awkwardly away from view.

"I'm Han Sunhwa, and this is my daughter, Hana." Sunhwa hurries Hana along, before plopping down in the nearest chair.

"So you work in the clinic alongside Yongguk?” Sunhwa asks with interest, pushing auburn hair over her shoulder.

“You have a beautiful girl,” Daehyun adds. They have a nice, simple conversation for a while as the welcoming party ebbs down, before Youngjae notices the time.

“It was really nice meeting you, Ms. Han, but I’ll be going now since I have university tomorrow. Bye, Ms. Han, Dr. Jung,”

“Youngjae, are you going to take the bus? It’s going to be dark soon; I’ll take you home,”

“It was a pleasure, Sunhwa.” Daehyun nods before joining Youngjae in his goodbyes to Yongguk and family. 

In the car, Youngjae says, "I didnt mean for you to leave with me, Dr. Jung. You could've stayed longer,"

Daehyun glances at Youngjae before veering onto the road towards Youngjae's shared apartment. "It was nice,"

  
\---  


Youngjae turns the key in the knob and Daehyun catches how he frowns slightly at the dark interior of his apartment.

“Is everything alright, Youngjae?”

“It’s nothing. Junhong’s coincidentally never here when I come home anymore. I suppose he still needs his time. Anyways, thank you for the ride, Dr. Jung.”

“I’ll see you next week, Youngjae.”

"Daehyun," Youngjae calls softly as Daehyun turns to leave. "Junhong's not here right now, would you like to stay for a bit?"

They barely make it past the front door and once it shuts they’re on each other, lips colliding fervently as they stumble into Youngjae's bedroom and home in on the bed.

Youngjae breaks free from their liplock and tugs at the belt of Daehyun’s pants, pulling it off the beltloops.

“I want you to use this tonight,” 

Youngjae notices the uncertainty clouding Daehyun’s eyes when he holds the piece of leather up and he adds, “Please.” 

Daehyun looks down at Youngjae, easing the male onto all fours before complying with his request.

  


There’s something different about the way Youngjae looks tonight, lying in the dip of his previously tidy bed with striped green blankets weaving amongst his limbs. Perhaps it's the surroundings, Daehyun thinks when looking at the neat furnishings of Youngjae's room, sparse yet filled with character and music posters. Youngjae looks as strangely radiant as the first time, brimming with vitality in the afterglow and Daehyun feels somewhat old and undesirable again. He pulls himself to his feet, the need to say something strong on his tongue. 

“I can’t do this anymore. Youngjae, we can’t go on like this,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //Midterms ruin all my plans for life ;; I got a little rusty, sorry guys who are interested in this continuation for the long wait.
> 
> So... this ended up being something more, with more plot *_*


	3. Undoing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **un·do·ing** (ŭn-dū'ing),  
>  In psychology and psychiatry, an unconscious defense mechanism by which one symbolically acts out in reverse some earlier unacceptable behavior.

_“Daehyun,”_

“Daehyun,”

A slight nudge to the shoulder has Daehyun jolting forward, eyes meeting Yongguk's perturbed expression of concern.

“Yeah,” Daehyun takes in his surroundings, remembering too late he has had a cup of coffee clenched in his hand and some of it spills onto the spreadsheets laid out in front of him. He curses under his breath.

“You alright? You seem to be quite out of it lately,” The elder psychiatrist eyes him doubtfully as he dabs at the muddled papers. 

“I haven’t been getting enough sleep, is all,”

_“I never wanted more from you. I never asked for more,”_ Youngjae had said quietly back in the dimly-lit room, his eyes pleading and grip tight on Daehyun’s hands. Daehyun can still feel the scalding touch ghosting across his fingers. 

_“I’ve overstepped my bounds, Youngjae. I was supposed to help you.”_ He had retracted from the touch, as he should've, hastily reclothing himself. 

_“All you ever did was help me. I don’t understand—”_

_“I’m not helping you like this, Youngjae. It’s best for both of us this way, before we get further into something we’ll regret,”_

_“Are you saying this was a mistake? I need you, Daehyun, you know I need you.”_ The pitch of Youngjae’s voice had heightened then. And Daehyun could only be an ashamed hypocrite.

_“No, you don’t need me,”_

Daehyun had been a coward, who slipped his hands from Youngjae’s grasp and ran, leaving Youngjae behind in his room without turning back. He had driven home to his empty condo filled with Youngjae's lingering scent, skin stained with sweat from Youngjae's contact and cowered in his own bedroom until he had regained his composure. Daehyun had drunk his first beer in years since he'd sworn off the beverage but he remembers the watery taste was pleasing to the disorganized thoughts swirling in his head then. 

"And you're also not eating? That's a first." Yongguk waves to Daehyun's half-eaten lunch, crossing his arms."Now I'll say it if you won't say it to yourself. You're obviously burning out over here."

"...You're right. It's absolutely unhealthy." Daehyun agrees absentmindedly.

"You have an assistant now. Why don't you have Youngjae help you and give yourself a break?"

"He's not going to be here this week. But next week maybe I'll hand things over to him." Sweat breaks out at the base of Daehyun's temple as Yongguk carries on. Daehyun remembers Youngjae had called the morning after he left, informing him of an exam being pushed forward in school that he had to study for. The young man's voice had sounded normal over the line, but Daehyun doesn't know the extent of the damage he may have done. 

“...A significant other would do you some good, Daehyun, get your focus off the paperwork for once,” Yongguk chuckles. "It happened when I met Jieun."

"Is that so,"

 

There’s a knock on the door, capturing both of their attentions.

“I’ll get it,” Daehyun says a little too quickly when Yongguk makes a motion for the door. He doesn't expect to see the petite woman behind it.

“Oh,” Surprised eyes perk up. “Hello, Dr. Jung.”

“Sunhwa,”

“Am I at the right office? Is Yongguk here?" she peers slightly around Daehyun's shoulder.

"Jieun wanted to drop off this for you, Yongguk, since she has to bring Jonguppie to his school orientation," Sunhwa hands Yongguk a bag of what appears to be lunch and other things Yongguk forgot in the morning. "But it looks like I'm a little late." she adds sheepishly.

“Is he alright?” Yongguk looks a little anxious.

“He's fine. Jieun forgot her phone. I was passing by here anyway, so I told her I’d bring it for her,”she placates.

"Thank you, Sunhwa. I'm sorry you'd had to come here for us when you've got Hana to worry about."

"Why are you always like this? We've all known each other long enough!" Sunhwa grins, then turning to Daehyun.

"I was baking for Hana's school fundraiser, so I happen to have this, in apology for troubling you and Youngjae- _sshi_ the other day," she says, reaching into the bag of goods she's touting to hand Daehyun a small cake in a decorative box. "I hope you both like cheesecake?"

" Cake...cheesecake's great. I love cheesecake." Daehyun flounders. "Thank you, I'm sure Youngjae will love it too."

"Oh, he's not here?"

"Youngjae has to study for exams, so he's not going to be here for the next week. He only helps me out when he can,"

Sunhwa claps her hands together in understanding. “I see. Well, have a nice day gentlemen. I must get going,"

"Thank you so much Sunhwa. Let me walk you out..." Yongguk begins, but Daehyun cuts in hastily.

" _I'll_ walk you out, there's still ten minutes of lunch break; Yongguk knows I'm falling asleep on him anyway," Daehyun offers, much to the other's amusement.

“Ah, so you’re from Busan too?”

Sunhwa asks breezily, sundress billowing slightly with every step as they chat their way to her car.

“I want to bring Hana back there someday, but you know. I can’t afford to miss work.”

"I know the sentiment," Daehyun nods, watching her dig through her purse for her keys. Conversing with the woman seems to come naturally to Daehyun, like a breath of fresh air. As much as he enjoys talking with Yongguk, the other is a little too stifling for Daehyun's liking today.

"I'm sure you've got your hands full. The nonprofit is much less of a hustle-and-bustle than the clinic." A thoughtful look crosses her face. "Say, would you like to join us for dinner someday, Dr. Jung? Hana and I of course."

"It's nice of you to invite me, but I'd hate to impose on your family,"

"If you're afraid of the husband barking down your tree, you don't have to worry. I've been divorced for a while from my husband Kwanghee," Sunhwa's pleasantly jingling her car keys.

"Does that make me a minx?" She laughs mischievously.

\---

After repetitive, mind numbing discussions of the struggles of infidelity with many a married patient , Daehyun surprisingly can't wait to get off work, eager to see the last of his patients for the day so he may rest. He steps into the waiting room, brow furrowing when he hears Nurse Hyosung’s slightly raised voice.

“Mr. Choi Junhong...? I’m afraid you’ll have to make an appointment for a consultation with Dr. Jung, sir, this isn’t an individual practice—”

“It’s urgent, can I just talk to him,” a lanky teen with dyed hair Daehyun's never seen before is towering over the receptionist’s desk, visibly agitated.

"What's the problem here?" Daehyun asks, catching the disgruntled teen's eyes.

"Dr. Jung," Hyosung displays relief at his presence. 

“Are you Dr. Jung? May I speak with you, _please_ , in private?” 

“As I’ve said, sir, you’ll need to—“

Daehyun glimpses a sparse number of patients in the waiting room watching the commotion unfold and decides to try quelling the mounting tension of the scene as quietly as possible. “You’ve consulted me about your family emergency right? It’s fine, Hyosung, it’ll only be a minute.” he lies, the teen seeming to be momentarily taken aback.

Hyosung looks at Daehyun questioningly, but ultimately backs down from the confrontation with narrowed eyes. "Very well. Please be mindful of your next official appointment, Dr. Jung."

" Mr. Choi, is it? We can talk in my office." Daehyun gestures the other forward, out of sight and into the long corridor.

  


"Please, take a seat. What is it that you wanted to speak with me about?"

""You're the one Youngjae's been seeing, aren't you?"" the teen questions accusingly the moment they are safely within Daehyun's office.

"Youngjae?" The familiarity of the teen's name suddenly makes sense to Daehyun. "You're Junhong, Youngjae's flatmate, right? What do you mean? Has something happened to him?" 

" I know I wasn't there for him when he needed me, and I sure can't fathom what he's been through. but Youngjae isn't the type to be found lying naked in bed without a word...belt marks over his body. I wasn't there for him but I'm not going to stand by and watch him get hurt," Junhong's stance is intimidating, hands clenched into fists at his side.

"Is that what Youngjae said?" Daehyun's face flames at the thought-- Junhong thought that not only he toyed with Youngjae's feelings, but that he had abused Youngjae as well. "That's not what happened."

"Look, he doesn't have to tell me for me to know you're sleeping with him." he scoffs."I don't know why Youngjae's defending you. I came here on my own accord because he won't admit it."

"Everything we've had...how unethical it may seem, was consensual." Daehyun insists. He thinks back to the many times Youngjae brought up Junhong, worried what the other would think of him. The consequences of his relationship with Youngjae having been discovered looms at the forefront of his mind, but at this point he just wants to clear up the misunderstanding to the person Youngjae values most. "However, it's my fault I didn't show restraint earlier , crossing the very own boundaries I've worked to set."

"What kind of psychologist are you? How is it any good for your patient if you take advantage of his vulnerability?"

The question strikes a chord in Daehyun, but underneath all the bravado, Daehyun sees a young man expressing genuine concern for his friend, willing to go to all lengths to protect him. 

"That's right, that's precisely why Youngjae needs you," Junhong seems to be taken aback at his words. " You mean a lot to Youngjae, more than you know. He needs a friend at his side during this time of uncertainty. Not someone like me,"

All of the aggression on Junhong's face slowly dissipates.

Junhong's eyes bore into him, as if searching for the sincerity of his answer. Daehyun hopes he can see it.

"Please, go home, Junhong."

 As Daehyun watches the other's retreating back, worn out, he thinks that the walls of the small, once homely clinic now seem unbearably confining.

  
\---

Youngjae appears at the clinic the next week as promised, some discreet dark circles under his eyes but otherwise intact and smelling sterile. He politely extracts himself from the staff nurses as usual and doesn't waste time delving into the work asked of him. 

There's an inevitable silence hanging over them in the workroom as they return to their work on Patient Im's condition, focusing quietly on individual observations. All Daehyun has been able to do since Youngjae's return is sustain a few sentences of casual conversation with the young man before having the atmosphere fall flat again, and he inadvertently is thankful for the backlog of work keeping them busy. Thoughts run through Daehyun's head and he finds himself tuning out to the steady strokes of his pen.

"Do you miss this?"

Daehyun doesn't know what to say when he finds the younger kneeling forward and working his way down his trousers.

Youngjae holds Daehyun's thighs down as he lowers his head to ghost over Daehyun's clothed bulge with his lips. He mouths hot breaths over the fabric, movements slow and sensual. Words are caught in Daehyun's throat as he feels pure pleasure, Youngjae having taken his member in his mouth. Daehyun doesn't wish for his fingers to wrap in Youngjae's hair in instinct--this time, he has sworn not to repeat his mistakes again. Even so, Youngjae's erratic breathing, coupled with the light smacking of flesh between his small lips gives a sense of frenzy Daehyun is aroused by, leading him to grasp locks of hair anyway. The other's lips are slightly swollen and bruising from the speed of Daehyun thrusting into his mouth.

Youngjae releases a glistening length in his wake, eyes hooded. _"Well, Dr. Jung? "_

"Well...Dr. Jung?" Youngjae has stopped midsentence in his deliberation of Im Jaebum's records to glance at him across the table.

Daehyun blinks. He had just fantasized all that. Youngjae’s half-parted lips are red and swelling not from bruising and battering contact with his member but from the mere effect of spicy seafood noodles he had for lunch. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't catch that." he swallows thickly.

"Well, I thought it was interesting that the patient is extremely nice to his boss at work, from compliments to the extent of accommodating his work schedule with his boss's, when it's the boss and work that are the roots of his symptoms. It's as if he's trying to undo his negative feelings, in some way or another."

"It's absolutely accurate with the concept of undoing,"

After a few pregnant moments recording, Youngjae stops entirely.

“I heard from Junhong he came here the other day... I’m sorry about Junhong causing you trouble, he's always been a little hotheaded,” he murmurs apologetically, chewing on his lip. A light bruise is blossoming on the flesh, evident from wear and tear. It reminds Daehyun of his fantasy.

"I understand. He's just looking out for you. It's admirable, Youngjae." Daehyun manages a smile of reassurance. It's feeble, and Youngjae notices this.

 

"...It wasn't fair of me to have projected my fantasies onto you." Youngjae says, busying his fingers with his pen. "The way I propositioned you then... left you in a position to take responsibility in fulfilling my desires. I don't blame you for being on edge around me. But Dae—Dr. Jung…that was what I wanted." 

"Please, don't blame yourself for—"

"What I still want." Youngjae corrects. "I wish you'd realize that I'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions,"

"You know your own desires, and you're capable of taking your own desires into your own hands now. But I was your only outlet for sexual expression then. I fell short in my diagnosis, Youngjae. It's not me that you want, or need."

The urge for Daehyun to reach over to the male across from him has never been stronger, but the distance he had created himself, for the best, makes Youngjae too far to reach. He owes Junhong this much.

"The last thing I'd want is to hurt you, or your future, Youngjae. Please understand." Daehyun chooses to clasp his hands together.

"This is what the psychologist feels. What do _you_ feel?" 

"Guilt. I'm this close to losing myself in you, Youngjae." he confesses.

"Then give in." Youngjae's eyes flare with a strangely hopeful expression. 

"I can't."

"Time. Give it time, and you'll see. You need me as much as I need you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cringes* I have a thing for struggling with 3rd chapters of everything. I'm sorry it ended on this note. I will proofread and regret in the morning.  
> (I'm debating if the next chapter is the last ;;)


	4. Reaction Formation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In psychoanalytic theory, **reaction formation** is a defense mechanism in which emotions and impulses which are anxiety-producing or perceived to be unacceptable are mastered by exaggeration (hypertrophy) of the directly opposing tendency.

It's not often that Daehyun's mind wanders; he often finds himself focused on tasks at hand as an orderly person and all. But he finds it nearly impossible to focus on the paperwork in front of him nonetheless.

It's not only the alcohol he had yesterday racing through his system in addition to the early morning grogginess that has him floored, but the vivid memory of what he had been trying to do. It had been years since Daehyun had actively seeked out clubbing with the purpose of finding someone to spend the night with. A fling. Through disorienting lights and pounding music he had chatted up a young man with full lips and coy smile, and brought him back to his apartment in a hazy state. He gags at the memory of lips tasting of hard liquor.

It wasn't until he had sprawled on the bed with the nameless man that he had come to his senses and shouted for them to get out of his apartment. Despite having laundered his sheets numerous times, Youngjae's scent still lingers and what confuses him the most is the fact that he didn't know if the purpose of recklessly bringing a stranger over to his bed had been if it was some sort of sick reaffirmation of his sexuality, a notion of defiance, or an reenactment of what he had shared with Youngjae.

It takes the boiling over of his kettle to snap him out of reverie with a curse. He remembers the things he should be doing today.

Wake up, light breakfast, and file paperwork. He'd promised Sunhwa that he'd meet her in the afternoon for coffee, and he'd promised to have dinner with her as well. But it wouldn’t be fair for her to see him like this. It’s behavior he would consider flaky and would never wish on anyone who takes fulfilling meeting obligations seriously like he does. He clears his throat and manages to dial the number he’d saved on his phone.

At times like this, he wishes occasionally for the good old times back in school when he didn’t have to take responsibility for his actions, when the freedom of youth allowed one to be like a child and play sick for the day without consequence.

“Hello?” An airy voice drifts through the receiver.

“Good morning, Sunhwa,”

“Ah, Dr. Jung! Good morning,”

“I’m sorry for the short notice, but I’m afraid I’m not feeling too well today…” It wasn't entirely untrue. Daehyun's head still throbbed faintly from the alcohol yesterday night.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling well…is it the flu? I’m sure I can whip up something for that, Hana recently has recovered from the bug too—”

"That won't be necessary, I'm sure it'll be fine after a good day's rest,"

"Alright then. Don't go at the paperwork too hard next time. Health's important!" Sunhwa chirps merrily before hanging up. Daehyun breathes a sigh of relief, falling back against the sheets and staring at the ceiling long and hard.

Talking was his strong point. It was his way of getting to the root of all problems. It was what he did with his patients. Recently it just seems that he's just trapped himself in a silent corner unable to talk about his own thoughts as if an unseen stigma dangled above. Suddenly, a thought occurs to Daehyun. At this point, maybe self-diagnosis had been the wrong answer after all.

  
\---

"It's great that you've decided to come for a consultation today..." the therapist greets courteously, looking down briefly at his clipboard."...Mr. Jung Daehyun,"

"I wanted to clarify, maybe understand some of the feelings associated with what I have going on in my life right now." 

Daehyun had researched online for a therapist’s office open on Monday. He had decided on a therapist by the name of Kim Himchan two districts over, the man having not only an impressive set of credentials, but specializing in marriage and affair counseling. 

He had used to view it absurd, a therapist needing therapy himself, having only ended up with only a short screening before entering into his residency at the clinic. But now…he was getting awful close to being unfit to treating his own patients. And since then, it would hypocritical of him to still think that way if he had constantly reassured his own patients calling for help was not weakness. 

"And it's a proactive decision that you've made, Daehyun.” Dr. Kim Himchan’s smile is gentle. “Let’s get started with the questions then. What would you like to get out of counseling?"

"I have been working at my current firm for around five years," There’s a feeling of guilt stemming in his chest for not disclosing the fact he’s a psychologist himself. It’s for the best that Yongguk not know. “I am on close terms with my superior, and I value my work.”

“At the firm we have a strict policy regarding relationships with our colleagues. I have a subordinate six years my junior who has been having personal troubles. I had encouraged him to open up to me regarding his distress. He had shown me trust with his secrets, and we had become close. One night I had crossed the line and we had sex,” Daehyun says, testing the therapist's reaction.

“I see. Daehyun, in this office acceptance of diversity is emphasized. Do you happen to be comfortable with your sexual orientation, by any chance?”

“Yes. I identify bisexual,”

Daehyun wasn't embarrassed at all by the fact of homosexuality, nor was he ashamed for liking men. At the club, the reason he had rejected anyone’s advances, the man in particular, was definitely not due to attraction. 

Dr. Kim nods and motions for him to continue with his fabricated story.

“We carried on this affair for a few months. He is not involved in a relationship, nor am I. He wants me to carry on this relationship, but I cannot shake the fact that this is taboo in the workplace.”

“As far as taboo goes, this is more of a question of your values. You value work, but it could be the emotional investment placed at this firm.”

The therapist reclines slightly in his chair, black oxford tapping silently. “Though I cannot offer a specific rationalization on this taboo without knowing the exact details, I think it’s best for us to consider this first—Daehyun, are you being honest with yourself about the nature of your relationship?”

“I have thought about it, but I think I’m having trouble understand that in particular.”

“What you have here may be a case of a power imbalance, where your subordinate could be viewing you as the perfect love. Or, it could be a relationship of two consenting adults. Contrary to popular belief, not all affairs are inherently unhealthy. They can be psychologically healthy, even.”

“I see a lot of myself in him, that’s why I reached out to him in the first place. But I don’t want my flaws and my mistakes to affect his career…that’s why I’ve wanted us to stop seeing each other. ”

“Have you ever heard of the ‘wounded healer’ concept, Daehyun?”

“I have.” 

“I use it in a different manner and I don’t want to bore you with it. You may think you can decide for him what’s best, but ultimately you should realize if you’re viewing him as capable of his own decisions, or projecting.”

Daehyun is reminded briefly of what Youngjae had said similarly about his decisions. “I never really thought about it in that way. Thank you,” Dr. Kim makes Daehyun feel at ease, proper knowledge guiding his therapy process.

The therapist smiles, crinkling his brow at the time. “That’s great, Daehyun. I’m afraid our consultation hour is over, but if you felt like our time together was beneficial, feel free to book that next session,"

  
\---

“Dr. Jung, a Ms. Han Sunhwa brought something for you today.”

Daehyun glances at a few containers of what seem to be delicious porridge and side dishes handed into his arms. A little sticky note with a get well message is arranged neatly at the top:

_If you’re anything like Dr. Bang Yongguk, you wouldn’t take a day off work even if you didn’t feel well. Feel better! ___

“Almost never have I seen a lady bring you anything, or your lunch having consisted of anything other than convenience store dishes, Dr. Jung,” Nurse Hyosung giggles. “You two look good together,”

“Hyosung, it’s nothing like that,” Daehyun protests, appreciating Sunhwa’s well-meaning sentiments but internally groaning at the possibility of the whole clinic assuming something they shouldn’t. Apparently Yongguk was on board with the idea too, and that attention was the last thing he needed right now.

“Congratulations,” she beams, waving Daehyun off to tend to a presumed inpatient. Daehyun sighs, but decides it would be a waste for the food to go uneaten, but better eaten in the comfort of is own office instead of the psychiatrist’s. He’d have to remember to call Sunhwa later to thank her.

"Is Father well?"

Daehyun is surprised to hear a shaky voice as he opens his office door. He sees the outline of his assistant standing over his desk, phone held close to his ear. 

"I know, Mother,"

Youngjae cups the receiver in an odd way, and Daehyun gently clicks the door shut, alerting the younger man.

" Understood. I won't show up in your sights ever again," Youngjae wipes at his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt, ending the call quickly. “Goodbye.”

“Youngjae?”

“I’m sorry. I must’ve startled you. I used the backdoor today so Hyosung and the other nurses wouldn’t notice,” Youngjae smiles strained. “I should’ve called earlier but we don’t have Patient Im’s notes compiled fully yet…”

In the dim light Daehyun notices the tinted red of his cheek and he shouldn’t be questioning it further but he does anyway.

"Youngjae, tell me what happened," it ended up sounding like a command more than a request.

Youngjae's face flushes at his tone but he relents as Daehyun holds out a cool teabag to soothe the bruise on the side of his face. "I came out to my parents. My father was so enraged his heart condition had worsened. He's now in the hospital, and frankly, my parents don't want to see me ever again."

"It's hard when your family doesn’t support you."

"I expected this to happen." Youngjae says flatly, though the sadness in his eyes is obvious. “Experiencing it firsthand is always so different.”

Daehyun’s hand trails down the redness of his jaw to the edges of Youngjae’s shirt collar, eyes widening at the trail of bruising continuing beneath the fabric.

“These bruises…”

Youngjae stops the psychologist’s hand, unfastening the front buttons of his shirt and peeling it back to reveal the full expanse of markings made on his skin. The markings were freshly red, wrapped around the contours of his shoulders and beginning to swell.

“I let him hit me,” Youngjae says with sad laugh, gripping the side of the shirt tightly. “But the thing is, I found no more pleasure in it. I think I’ve changed,”

Daehyun wraps his arms around the younger man, careful not to apply pressure to the patches of skin still tender. 

“You have,”

Youngjae’s arms reach around Daehyun’s shoulders. Youngjae settles into the crook of Daehyun’s neck and Daehyun can feel his warm breaths against the cool fabric of his white coat. He stays there for a while in Daehyun’s hold, shoulders heaving but he does not cry.

“I…” _I need you_ , is what Daehyun perceives the ghosting of Youngjae’s lips against his neck as.

It’s right to him, this moment, plain and simple. Daehyun glances briefly at the computer on his desk, and feels no more uncertainty in what he needs to do next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one step closer to the end...  
> this chaptered fic is probably the shortest of all the ongoing ones now ;; but soon I hope we can see to it's completion.  
>  It's been hectic lately and I've only been able to upload and run, but I'll definitely come back to respond to all the thoughtful comments left on this fic and other fics :'>


	5. Sublimation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In psychology, **sublimation** is a mature type of defense mechanism where socially unacceptable impulses or idealizations are consciously transformed into socially acceptable actions or behavior, possibly resulting in a long-term conversion of the initial impulse.

"I didn’t think anyone would like to hear the ramblings of a psychologist," Daehyun says. Dinnerware from their finished meal is set aside on the table, unattended to.

“Maybe I want free therapy,” she laughs, gauging Daehyun's expression. “I kid, I kid. For this lonely gal right here, you’re more of like... a breath of fresh air.”

"Really, I don't know what to say..."

“The other ladies around the complex always have things to say.” she laughs. “For some reason, they think being an unconventional mother is a bad thing. Sometimes it even feels like they’re forcing me to live inside some box.”"

"Then they're trying to compensate for something, perhaps even feeling threatened by your situation," Daehyun thinks for a bit. "It's a defense mechanism if they're anxious."

She lets out a little _hm_. "It's a source of anxiety, alright. Thank you, Mr. Psychologist,"

"I like talking to you." Sunhwa adds after a while, tracing the rim of her teacup with her thumb. 

Daehyun's seeing how Sunhwa could’ve fit into his life.

Sunhwa is always the kind of woman Daehyun liked: a great cook, thoughtful, slender fingers on beautiful hands. Sunhwa's features are soft and everything about her , from her glances to the way her long tresses drape over her shoulders as she picks up Hana lovingly, is feminine.

He finds that attractive, but almond eyes, contoured face, lips too red for a man--he couldn’t get them off of his mind even if he tried.

Youngjae had methodically, Daehyun liked to think, made his way into become deep-seated in his being. He has hated his impulsiveness years ago when he started out, but he thought that constructing a life within white walls and around meaningful work would curb that. But...it was natural for sexual transference to occur in this profession, inevitably leading to the sexualization of his and Youngjae’s relationship.

"Dinner was lovely." Sunhwa's grip tightens on the door handle. "Would you like to stay for a bit?"

Daehyun's aware of how Sunhwa might see him, and what the implications of inviting him over, all dolled up and beautiful, with Hana at her father's might mean.

"I'm sorry," he says, hesitantly holding his ground at her doorstep as she asks him to stay. Sunhwa pauses for a moment, understanding flickering on her face when she sees the apologetic look in his eyes. “I feel like I haven’t given you a proper answer--”

Her face flushes, and Daehyun must've disappoint her greatly, but she doesn't show it on her expression when she keeps conversation light and doesn't pursue more.

"No need to, Dr. Jung. Have a good night."

\---

"I have to thank you for your help, doctor,"

Im Jaebum sits across from Daehyun, gesturing as he opens up to him about his new life as a restaurateur after quitting his job. He's travelling, tasting new food, and his business is going successfully. He had directed his anger to the creation of culinary food, something he had always been passionate about but had pushed aside due to work.

"There's no more anger." Jaebum says sheepishly. "I feel like...I've finally got my life back,"

Daehyun smiles at his patient's new aura. It's refreshing that the months of counseling had shown such progress. Nothing was a greater validation to him than having his patients overcome and come to accept their struggles. He wishes Youngjae was here to see it.

"Jaebum, it looks like you won't need to see me anymore." After a few more questions and forms Daehyun sees Jaebum out the door, wishing him luck. He stares thoughtfully at the man's retreating back, wondering for a moment if he should reschedule with Dr. Kim. He briefly checks the time. It wouldn't be much longer.

As if on cue, he sees the figure of Yongguk down the hall, finding the way to his office door.

"Daehyun, I had been looking for you." Yongguk pushes his glasses upwards. "Can I speak with you for a moment?'

  


Daehyun takes a seat in the chair he's always been in during lunch breaks, feeling slightly regretful.

"Daehyun, this might be unpleasant to hear but there have been rumors going around about you being _involved_ with a patient." Yongguk says seriously, toying with the print outs in hand."Of course, it can't be true. Things always end up floating around the gossip mill one way or another. If it was because of this that you felt like you needed to send a _resignation letter_ \--"

"It's true." Daehyun confesses."It’s not just this,"

Though he'd rather speak the whole truth, he does not want to hurt Youngjae. For Youngjae’s sake. He knows that Yongguk won't be able to understand. They’ll both take it better this way.

“If that's true, you’re bordering on something unethical, Daehyun.”

“A former patient is frowned upon,"

“You know something like this, it never works out, Daehyun. It’s an unbalance of power and an abuse of privileges." 

“I saved them from abuse,” Daehyun replies earnestly."I'm taking full responsibility for my actions. Report me, if that’s what I can do to ease your mind.”

“I won’t gain anything from reporting you, Daehyun.” Yongguk lets out a heavy sigh. “You’re doing your former patient an injustice. And you’re stunting them in many ways you can’t imagine.” 

When Daehyun doesn't say anything, Yongguk lurches out of his seat, refusing to look at him.

"I took you for a responsible man, passionate about his work, and most of all, professional. I know you're lonely--" Yongguk takes a deep breath, pausing. A look of pity. “I’m thoroughly disappointed, to say the least. I thought you were different from all the others, Daehyun, a like-minded comrade, despite our age difference,” 

“But with all these recent events, the choices you’ve made…”

“I’m afraid our friendship can’t go on.”

\----

Daehyun hears his office door click open as he finishes piling the paperweights he’s accumulated over the years into an unmarked box.

“Youngjae,” Daehyun looks up to see the man leaning against the doorframe, surveying the room with a shrug. 

“ Dr. Bang had told me you’d be here. Can I come in?”

Daehyun nods, and Youngjae maneuvers himself past the mounting terrain of boxes in Daehyun’s office, until he reaches the place Daehyun’s standing by the window. He tries to help Daehyun with sorting some miscellaneous readings but Daehyun refuses adamantly. There’s a silence as Youngjae watches the last of the things get packed away.

“Was it because of me?” Youngjae asks finally.

“No, it’s been a long time coming. We’ve had our differences…and we’re both stubborn. It was my choice, except I could’ve gone about it in a better way." Daehyun says it though they both know it’s probably far from the truth. “I’ve been thinking about owning my own private practice anyway. It’s been something I wanted to do for a long time. Now that I’ll be taking my leave from this clinic, I can finally do it.”

He hasn’t done something like this in a long while, something so impulsive it gives him a thrill.

Daehyun tries to concentrate on the reading in his grasp. _Wind in the Afternoon_.He had always found it an interesting piece about sexual sublimation, but back then he had scoffed at how impossible it seemed to so easily abandon one’s aspirations due to something so baseless as desire. Now that he’s here, it doesn’t seem that far-fetched after all. He dumps it into the box and shuts the lid.

”It was never just a fantasy for me, you know.”

It's not until Youngjae leans against him that Daehyun lets out a long breath he doesn't realize he has been holding. As if Youngjae senses the upcoming protest threatening to slip from Daehyun’s lips, he continues.

"The only thing between us is that I'm your former patient, isn't it? If it needs time, I'll gladly wait. As long as you don't distance yourself from me again."

“I’m aware that I can’t,” Daehyun furrows his brow, body growing lax in Youngjae’s arms.

"Daehyun, you chose me. It's going to be alright." Lips press against Daehyun’s. “We're going to be alright.”

The tips of Youngjae's fingers keep Daehyuns neck down and lips cemented against his.The younger man’s breathing and scent is sensual and Daehyun wants more. He’ll always want more.

“Daehyun, you’ve given me my freedom…let me give you yours,” Youngjae whispers.

In the soft afternoon sunlight, they kiss frantically, stumbling amongst the boxes to the couch.

The soft nips to Daehyun’s skin feel like bliss, liberation. He's truly craved this, missed Youngjae. Maybe it's not a matter of Youngjae needing Daehyun, after all. Daehyun needs Youngjae, he’s fallen in too deep since the beginning to get out of their tryst. He’d made Youngjae this way back then, and now--now he’s the same. 

“ _Oh,_ ”

Youngjae laid out on the couch is appealing, though now in a different way than before when he first saw him. His legs are spread open invitingly, and Daehyun feels like fooling himself as he slips between them to press him up against the cushions.

Youngjae's eyes squeeze shut as Daehyun presses slicked fingers into him. “Youngjae, will you be able to…?”

Daehyun has been real careful in his touches and kisses when removing clothing, but the fading marks on Youngjae’s skin make him hesitant.

“I'm fine,” He gestures for Daehyun to come forward, silken thighs spread impossibly wide to accommodate.

Daehyun envelops Youngjae the best he can with the limited space of the couch, and thrusts into him slowly, savoring the feel. It's entirely different this time without protection, the sensation so overwhelming for the psychologist as he lets the man underneath him adjust to the intrusion. Youngjae instinctively bucks his hips upwards seeking a fast pace, but Daehyun’s hands urge Youngjae’s hips downwards, stilling in his movements. He pulls him upwards to flip their positions so that Youngjae's straddling him.

At first a confused look flashes across Youngjae's face, but he steadies himself on Daehyun. Hair falling into his eyes and face flushed, his own erection straining between his legs, Youngjae lowers himself onto his length. 

He wants Youngjae to take control of his own pleasure this time, show him that he's not bound by dependence to him or anyone else to achieve it.

Youngjae keens when he brushes his prostate against Daehyun's length, and he guides a hand down to pump Youngjae's in time with the thrusts. They’re quiet, swallowing soft pants with each other’s mouths.

" _Youngjae,_ " he murmurs, finding it hard to breath at their reckless behavior.

"Together...I'm about to..." Youngjae gasps. 

Daehyun's about to come undone too and obliges this time with a firm grasp on slick thighs. Their movements begin to grow slippery against the leather and they both come at the same time in gasps. Daehyun swallows Youngjae’s ecstatic breath with his mouth as he fills him to the brim.

“I’ve decided on going to grad school. I want to be a researcher,” 

Youngjae states from his place on the sofa, naked legs dangling. The crinkled remains of his button-up shirt slides out of his lap as he reaches for the mug of tea Daehyun holds out for him.

“That’s wonderful, Youngjae,” Daehyun watches as the man takes a tentative sip, urging him on. 

“I’m not going to take part in any of the family business. Youngwon’s going to do it, just like my father wanted anyway. I’ve managed to qualify for some aid… and try to pull myself through grad school with my own job.”

"How about you, Daehyun?" Youngjae asks, eyes on the mug.

"Me? I'm thinking I'll give it a break for a while,"

Youngjae smiles reassuringly, putting down the mug to take Daehyun's hand in his. 

"I'm no longer your patient," he reiterates, stroking a soothing thumb along the back of Daehyun's hand. "...but I won't be ashamed anymore."

He remembers quite fondly the first time Youngjae sat on the exact same couch. But now the dynamic has changed. It wasn’t exactly a quivering young man anymore on the leather seat—in its place sat the current Youngjae, independent in his decisions and headstrong gaze in his eyes.

"Then I won't be either,"

The tea goes cold as Daehyun closes the gap between them and squeezes his eyes shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was something that I only wrote bits of in the night when I'm thinking too hard, aha  
> this should've came sooner but family emergencies happened, also revolving around the psychologists office.  
> sometimes the chapter titles are what I try to convey but sometimes, our good psychologist Daehyun slips through the cracks, for better or for worse, it's unclear!  
> it's a great breath of fresh air now that it's done, thank you for reading this mess of thoughts orz

**Author's Note:**

> what did I just write *_* /shot I'm sorry if it's overly clinical and uncomfortable
> 
> This fic was prompted by my friend and I watching A Dangerous Method and not taking Dr. Carl Jung seriously because as BAP fans there's only one Jung. (It's actually pronounced Carl (YUNG) but you know...) Cue this loosely based au that really isn't based on anything from the film, aside from the concept and the fact one line is used
> 
> AUpril means a lot of AU from me, but I am in a sort of block right now so...  
> /roasts in 9th circle of dante's inferno


End file.
